MORE Titles for Unwritten Monologues, Open Letters, and Lists I Will Likely Never Submit to McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Nor Indeed Ever Write (COPYRIGHT PROTECTED)

Author: Thinking, Not Writing

SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES

Monologue: As a United Airlines Flight Attendant, It Is My Duty to Inform You that the First Rule of In-Flight Fight Club is YOU DO NOT TWEET About In-Flight Fight Club

Monologue: I am CREATINE, King of the Pantry Shelf

Monologue: I AM A NY POST HEADLINE! ADJECTIVE NOUN PUNNY-ADVERB DOUBLE-ENTENDRE VERB ARTICLE SLEAZY-NOUN!

Monologue: AAAAAAAAAAS YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU WIIIIIIIIIIISHHHHHHHHH

LISTS

List: Forty Questions to Ask the Next Lyft Line Passenger Who Does Not at Any Time Acknowledge Your Co-Existence in the Backseat

List: 1500 Reasons You're Smarter, Funnier, and Oh Yeah Totally a Better Writer Than That 25-Year-Old NYT Bestselling Novelist Could Ever Hope to Be, Even When She Gets To Be As Old As You Are, 37, An Age That, Were You to Get Pregnant, Would Mean You'd Be Having a Geriatric Pregnancy and Yes, You Heard That Right, a GERIATRIC PREGNANCY.

List: Hard to Read Hashtag or Passive-Aggressive Death Threat?


OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND

Open Letter To My Hearing-Strained Elderly Neighbor's WebCam Sex-Worker, Jasmin

Open Letter To Delia's Catalog, Circa 1994, Signed Woman in Late 30s Confronted With Cold- Shoulder Tops in 2018

Open Letter to Our Non-Consensual Meme Culture

Open Letter to Yo Mama, Kimora Lee Simmons, Who SO PHAT...